I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
