I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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