i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Randomize
