Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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