Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Dear god my vagina.
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