Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
