I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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