I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
