nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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