I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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