i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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