I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
