You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
