im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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