I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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