I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
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