hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
