you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
