When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize