then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
