me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
