No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
