just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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