i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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