I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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