Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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