I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
