So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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