this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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