Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
