The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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