dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
