Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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