I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
