I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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