i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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