Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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