do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize