He uses pillows to masturbate.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
