She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
