So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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