Only a mothe r could love this liver
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
