i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
