i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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