Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
