Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
farters have to be the big spoon...
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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