I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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