I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize