i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
