why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
