You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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