I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
