remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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