Me. At least after what I've been through.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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