i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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