Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
