I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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