I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
