Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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