Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
