U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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