They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize