your parents love me but you hate me
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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