Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Is Oprah even human
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize