I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
