we made out on top of his cat.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
