Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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