I think I am morally bankrupt
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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