I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
