my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
